I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
