ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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