i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
