Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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