it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize