I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize