Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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