I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
