the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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