apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
