does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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