I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
