you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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