That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
