I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
