Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
