i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
