I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
