It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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