I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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