Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize