Even water is tasting like jack daniels
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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