I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
