I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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