he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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