I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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