there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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