I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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