I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
