I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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