i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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