We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
