im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize