Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
