i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
