he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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