Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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