when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
