i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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