if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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