So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
don't judge my taste in strippers
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
