Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
