I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
