Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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