I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
