i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
