Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
