I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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