I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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