I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
