i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
