Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize