I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
