Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
