I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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