Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
